I’ve spent a few months in education classes. I’ve read a few things, had a few conversations, done LOTS of writing. I’ve blogged a lot and tweeted a lot – two things I’m not used to doing – and I’ve spent entirely too much time being productive.
Before that I was taking community college courses in history, geography, and pre-calculus. I was drinking a lot of coffee. (I still am.) I wasn’t seeing my friends much. I was in a relationship that was going, slowly but steadily, downhill.
Before that…who knows what I was doing. It feels like I was such a different person back then . . . before the interview that got me into the education program, before the intense writing and compiling and form-signing and volunteering which led to the interview, before even the information meeting which gave the impetus to start all the volunteering and form-signing. It wasn’t all that long ago, really . . . less than a year, and considering the six or so years before that, when a year would have flown by and I’d barely have noticed, the time since I started my journey to this point in my teaching certification shouldn’t seem all that long to me.
But never in my life have I packed so much into such a short time – and never before have I cared so much about everything I’ve done in the course of a year. In a way I feel I’m staring more sharply into a mirror at myself than I ever have before; I’ve woken up to a new dimension of self-knowledge . . . and I think I’m okay with what I see. Or rather, I see the potential there, the drive, the readiness to do something, and I can work with that. I will work with that.
In learning to teach, I’m learning to be conscious and consistent in a practice which I already enjoy, which already matters to me. I think perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned in the past three months is that reflection, real and unflinching reflection, is both necessary and possible for me. I’ve had to struggle with the darker and more unknown parts of myself in a way which has gotten less and less terrifying every time I’ve done it; that is tremendously encouraging, as I look forward and realize how damn much reflection I have ahead of me.
And I’ve discovered a wealth of human resources that I hope I never lose – you know who you are. We’re still getting to know each other; we’ve done the meet-and-greets, at least one pot-luck (which, by the way . . . yeah, I owe you guys), some fun activities. We’ve struggled with each other a little bit; something tells me that the real struggles, like the ones we touched on tonight in my Monday class – the struggles which bind a community more closely, through adversity – are yet to come. I think we’re up for it. There’s a lot of love there. I can’t wait to see it grow.
I’m not out of the weeds yet – papers are yet to be written, a meeting yet to be held, some kind of crazy video presentation yet to be dealt with. All I know is: Ten Blog Posts, People! Achievement unlocked.
But yeah. All that stuff I said was serious.
Ten Thousand Small Steps 